Letter to My Daughter on the Cusp of Adolescence

Dear Grown-Up Bug,

We’re heading into tough times, you and I. I’ve known they were coming for a while now, and I’ve spent time praying I’m up to the challenge. You’ll be 11 in just a little more than a month; you’re less than two inches shorter than me; you wear my clothes and jewelry; you fight me more and more often as you struggle to define who you are, standing on your own. We are going to fuss – we already do.

You are going to roll your eyes, and huff and puff, and I am going to say things I’ll later wish I hadn’t. I’m going to make a lot of mistakes, and I’m going to be sorry for them. I hope I have the humility to tell you when I know I was wrong, and the courage to take your anger and stand my ground when I know I’m right.

At night sometimes, I sit on the edge of your bed and watch you sleep. Your impossibly long eyelashes curl onto your cheeks just like they did when you were a tiny baby. I can see the outline of the woman you will be soon, that promise etched just barely underneath the little girl face you’re rapidly outgrowing. You’re going to be a beauty, babe. It will take you some time to get through the awkwardness of adolescence and come into your own, but you will get there. There are adventures ahead of you, both good and bad, and you are moving further and further from my ability to protect you. I know I have to let you keep going, no matter how much I want to keep you near.

Middle school starts in six weeks. All summer I’ve watched you alternate between sheer excitement and terror. One minute you can’t wait to try out for the dance team and meet new friends from the other grades schools that come together at our middle school. The next you’re in tears, wishing you could go back to the teachers you loved and the familiarity of your elementary. It’s going to be hard, honey. Friends you’ve loved for years are moving in different directions, and you will have to find a path all your own. It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be good, too. And you will tackle it the way you’ve tackled everything in your life, with a mixture of your daddy’s natural optimism and bulldog determination, and my inclination to worry.

There are things I want you to know, to take to heart. The list is endless, borne of my own experiences and those of my friends, but I will share just a few now.

People will try to define you. They will try to put you in a box that fits their views, to tell you who and how you should be, mold you into someone who fits their needs. Don’t let them. You be exactly who you are: exuberant, confident, friendly, sometimes a little needy, sometimes a little full of yourself. YOU define YOU. Nobody – nobody at all – gets to take that from you.

Boys come and go. Whether by their choice, your choice, or simple fate, they will come and go for many years before one finally stays – and sometimes, that boy eventually goes too. But your girlfriends – really good girlfriends are forever. Choose them wisely. Find your tribe and love them fiercely. Don’t be one of those girls who’s only around if she doesn’t have a date, and then expects everyone else to take her back into the fold when that boy goes and she waits for the next one. You accept those friends and you love them – because you will have them – but don’t you be one of them. Your mama has been through some hard stuff, and so have my girlfriends – the tribe of women who have helped me raise you from near and far. We’ve all been dealt hard blows, and we’ve gotten each other through them. Find friends like that – friends who love and accept you as you are, who love you enough to tell you the truth even at risk of making you angry – find those friends all through your life, and hold on for with both hands.

Be kind. Stand up for the underdog. When you were tiny, you amazed me with your ability to walk over to kids on the playground and straight up ask, “Do you want to be my friend?” That’s your daddy in you. Ask the new kid to eat lunch at your table. Invite her to your birthday party. That boy who never talks to anybody? Make a point to learn his name and say hi to him. Kindness is always worth the effort. You never know when the simplest gesture on your part might mean the world to someone else.

Less is not more. It never has been and it never will be. Abercrombie & Fitch, Victoria’s Secret, Aeropostale – they are all full of crap. Your butt cheeks belong in your shorts. Your midriff belongs under your top unless you’re at the pool or the beach. You don’t need to show skin to get attention. You glow, honey. Your natural shine has always attracted others, and it always will. Your body is YOURS. Dress it on your own terms. Don’t let magazines and airbrushed models tell you what’s beautiful. Own your long, strong legs and your curls. Show what you want to show – nothing more, nothing less.

Be careful with your heart. It’s precious and tender and it should be saved for people who deserve it. Don’t offer it on a silver platter to everyone who comes along. I know the world tells girls to go after what you want, to text and FaceTime boys, and do the chasing. Don’t listen. Any boy worth letting into your heart will make the effort to get there; he will pursue you. If he doesn’t, let him go on his merry way. There’s always another one. I promise.

You’re going to make bad decisions. You’re going to do things you will wish you hadn’t. You’re going to follow the crowd and try things you know you shouldn’t simply because you don’t want to be left out. I know, because I did too. All I ask is that when the stakes are really high – when we are talking about sex, alcohol, and drugs – all I ask is that you think. Think hard. Listen to your gut, and you will know the right thing to do. Use me as your excuse. I’ll take the fall for you every time. If you do that thing you know is a big deal, I will MURDER you. Tell them that, and then call me. I’ll come get you, no questions asked.

Don’t waste time on jealousy. You’re growing up in a tough world. Every minute of every day you see what all your friends are doing – not to mention every celebrity and pseudo-celebrity you wish you were more like – and it’s all cooler than what you’re doing. They’re all together, right there on Instagram, and you’re at home, left out. And it hurts. So. Much. But here’s the thing. Life on Instagram and Snapchat is airbrushed. It’s cropped. It’s filtered. It doesn’t tell the truth, and you’re not always left out. Try very hard to be happy for that friend on the awesome vacation, or who just got your dream car. Sometimes that feeling is going to be out of reach, but practice anyway. And while you’re at it, remember how it feels when you see things that hurt your feelings, and think before you post. Try not to hurt others’ feelings with your own airbrushed, cropped, and filtered life. Remember that memories don’t have to be made public to be memorable.

Learn to love your own company. Sometimes there just won’t be anyone else. Solitude is so much easier if you actually like the person you are.

Travel. I’ve tried hard to share my gypsy heart with you and your little sister, and I think it’s working. Travel is, in my experience, one of the most healing, important growth experiences available. Explore new places. Take friends with you. Or go alone and make friends. Or go alone and stay that way – that’s how you find out who you really are. I’ve done all of these, and I’m grateful for every one. Which brings me to my next point.

Find your thing. The summer of ’07 was a tough one for me. All I could think to do was to get away from everything – get far, far away. So I took a trip to Ireland. You were three, and you stayed with Grandpa and Nana, and when I got to call you, you asked if I was still on Fire Island. I think that was a place where Dora and Diego went to save animals. Anyway, I went to Ireland with a women’s travel group called the Adventurous Wenches. I know. I fell in love with the name too. While I was there, I met a very cool girl about my age, who was also in the middle of a major life transition. Her name was Jo; she was from Boston and she shared with me two pieces of wisdom I’ve never forgotten. The first was gleaned from her work to earn her Ph.D. Her thesis was on something the evolution of girls’ self-esteem. Jo learned that boys haven’t really changed much over the past 100 years. They fight, they knock each other down, then they help each other up and go shoot hoops. Girls? Girls can be vicious, toward themselves and toward each other (boys can too, but in a different way.) The common thread among the girls who were the meanest – the most miserable – was that they didn’t have anything of their own, anything that they were proud of that came from within themselves. So find your thing, baby. Maybe it’s dance – you’ve loved that since you were two. Maybe it’s writing, or photography, or horses (not horses, you’ll be on too much Benadryl), or swimming. I don’t care what it is, just find it and make it yours so you have something no one can ever take away from you. Which brings me to the second thing I learned from Jo.

Always remember your “And then what?” This simple question has the power to save you from tremendous heartache. When your spirit is broken and the world seems harsh and you’re alone and you just want comfort, before you send that text, before you make that call or write that private message, ask yourself, “And then what?” What are you going to do when that person answers and you find yourself back in a cycle you worked very hard to get out of? Will things have changed? Will they have changed? Will you? Answer yourself honestly, and then just sleep on it. Sometimes you’ll ignore the “And then what?” and send that text anyway, but if you just let it work its magic every once in a while, your path will be so much smoother.

Never forget that your mama and your sister love you. I’m not your friend, at least not for many years yet. And I will do things that will make you hate me. Whatever I do, right or wrong, I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for you. I will always be here, and I’ll always be your biggest cheerleader.

There’s so much more, but some things need saved until you’re older or just have to be learned through experience. Go conquer your world, baby girl. I can’t wait to hear about your adventures.