Mommy Glossary - The Dictionary We’ve All Been Waiting For

We do it all the time! It’s a timeless parenting prerequisite to make crazy statements all in acknowledgement of the fact that we simply don’t have a better answer. Who can blame us? We’re constantly being interrogated and tested by our children.

But keep on saying whatever you have to without guilt or shame, because let’s face it, these kids don’t have an off switch!

We thought we would take a shot at decoding some phrases, because if we don’t laugh at it all, we might just go crazy. And obviously there are just some statements that are so preposterous even we couldn’t find a definition.

So, sit back and celebrate the fact that we get away with this bullsh*t every single day and we haven’t gotten fired yet. We also haven’t received our bonus, but that’s besides the point….

[This one works in many situations] “Let me think about it”... Please, please walk away and forget what you were asking me for cause there is no way in hell I am buying you that but I really don’t feel like dealing with a temper tantrum right now. I’m really hoping that by the time I don’t think about it for a while, you’ll be preoccupied with something else for me to not think about.

[Vending machine] “No, I have no money"...  Or… "No, it’s broken"... Only works until the nicer mommy in front of you buys her kid a pack of sour patch kids.

[Something we naturally start saying the second we become a mom] “I’m going to count to 3...” We actually have no idea wtf is going to happen when we get to 3. Do we turn into the Hulk? Does an alien jump out of our stomach and spew slime all over the place? If only! For some insane reason counting as a warning scares the crap out of our kids on a horror-film type level, so we’re sticking with it.

[Veggies for dinner] It’ll make you have strong muscles (or make your hair grow)... Just eat the damn vegatable cause there are people watching and judging me as a mom. It’s supposedly important for children to get food into their bodies that doesn’t consist of high fructose syrup or chemical cheese flavor.  That one carrot won’t actually make any difference to your health, but I’ll feel a sense of accomplishment as a parent if you eat it.

[Bedtime struggles] “You need to get your beauty rest”... Look, kid, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in five years. I know you’ll be in my room for water or for me to escort you to the bathroom in like three hours, so have some mercy on me and go to sleep. It won’t change the way you look, make you grow taller, or make your hair shinier.  It will, however, make me a nicer, more tolerant person, which in your world is way more beneficial than any of those other things!

[Always once were finally sitting] “Don’t make me come over there!”... No, seriously- I am totally comfortable sitting on this couch in front of the TV. I don’t feel like moving, so if you could just stop whatever you’re doing that’s making me mad so I don’t actually have to move, that would be great.

[At Target] “Maybe Grandma will buy it for you for your birthday”... Go effing bother Grandma, cause I can’t deal with hearing about that piece of crap toy that will break ten seconds after we leave. Besides, I already spent all our shopping money on these adorable outdoor cups and plates that we absolutely did not need.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older"... Whatever you just asked me involves way too much technical planning, complete with some type of a sex-ed lesson. I don’t have that kind of time, and honestly I’m sort of nauseous just thinking about it. Here, watch this episode of Friends and let Joey, Chandler, and Ross explain it.

[Jumping on the bed] “The tag on the mattress says no jumping allowed”... OK, so we’re screwed once they learn to read, but until then every tag and sign says “no jumping, no running, no whining, no yelling or no kids allowed.”

And the best most important lie we tell our kids is…. “MOMMIES NEVER LIE!” He he

So, who cares if my daughter grows up truly believing that veggies make your hair grow and that my mother-in-law didn’t make my husband eat enough of them and that’s why he is bald! I’m ok with that haha.  

Your secrets are safe with us.  Besides...Where the eff is the handbook?